Rediscovering Intimacy

Nicholas A. Natale, PhD

In a culture of random hook-ups, anonymous chat rooms, and easily accessible pornography, intimacy seems elusive for many couples. The idea that a powerful, meaningful sexual experience shared between two solely committed individuals seems almost passé in our twerking world, and the notion that sex flows from an ever-growing sense of intimacy has been forgotten or abandoned outright. There’s been a sundering of intimacy from sex.

Simple, momentary experiences of passing pleasure have replaced authentic emotional and spiritual connection. Even within committed marriage relationships, intimacy is a lost art–abandoned and replaced with the urgency of routine. Making time to have sex has become the perennial argument in many relationships. Instead of authentic and powerful sexual times together, repetitive fights over, “When can we have sex again?” consume many marriages.

However, there is a surprising secret hidden in our twerking culture: Intimacy intensifies our sexual experiences. The kiss is sweeter. The touch is more erotic. The warmth of each other’s body is magnified. Flowing from intimacy within a committed marriage, people experience more emotional, spiritual, and physical wholeness and connection.

Though that is exactly the type of sexual experience most couples desire, deep emotion connection appears elusive and unattainable. Nevertheless, you can intensify the sexual expression in your marriage by developing or rediscovering the lost intimacy once shared between the two of you.

How do you rediscover intimacy in your marriage? 

There are three common phrases I believe when used regularly can rebuild intimacy within your marriage. In order for these phrases to have any significance, however, you must look to a deeper meaning within them.

“I Love You”

The simple phrase, “I love you,” has likely been used with everyone you cared about since you were a child. You probably remember the first time you communicated those words to your spouse. Contained within three simple words are two extremely powerful concepts for your relationship: acceptance and commitment.

Whenever you say, “I love you,” you are really saying to your mate, “I accept you for who you are.” You accept your mate not for who you think he or she ought to be, should be, or could be, but you accept who he or she is. At the core of intimacy is acceptance.

Also, whenever you say, “I love you”, you are also saying to your mate, “I am committed to you.” You reveal to your spouse: I am not going to abandon you. I am not going to leave you. I am going to be here with you, no matter what.

“I’m Thinking of You” 

On your drive to work, during a break, while apart from each other, let your spouse know he or she is on your mind. When you take the time to say, “I’m thinking about you,” you create a sense of closeness between the two of you. You’re inviting your mate into your life.

Furthermore, you construct a sense of openness when you use this phrase. Opening up yourself to your mate fosters opportunities for the two of you to spend time sharing yourselves with each other.  You’re creating a space where personal desires, dreams, struggles, or the next career move are openly discussed. This openness builds intimacy between the two of you.

“I Care For You”

Finding ways to say, “I care for you,” is almost as important as saying, “I love you.” Telling your spouse how much you care for him or her communicates how much of a priority he or she is in your life.  You place your mate’s wants and desires above your own and reflect that your mate is more important than yourself.

By making your spouse one of your highest priorities, you foster giving within the relationship. To say, “I care for you,” means you want to contribute to what is taking place in that person’s life. The essence of what you convey means: You are not alone; I am with you no matter what you’re going through. A work conflict—I am with you. Friendship difficulties—I am with you. A rough day—I am with you, and I will make it better.

Rebuilding Intimacy

Sharing these three phrases goes a long way in rebuilding intimacy to enhance and intensify your sexual time together. Talking about building close sexual encounters together can be confusing, but the key to fostering an intense sexual experience with your mate involves building intimacy between the two of you.

Say, “I love you,” “I am thinking of you,” and, “I care for you,” every day. As you begin to do so, you may share other passionate words that resemble words between a king and his bride recorded in an ancient poem:

“You are altogether beautiful, my love; there is no flaw within you.”

“His mouth is most sweet, and he is altogether desirable.”

“Let my beloved come to his garden, and eat of its choicest fruits.”

“I slept, but my heart was awake.  A sound! My beloved is knocking. ‘Open to me, my love, my dove, my perfect one.’”



Dr. Nic Natale provides counseling for couples who desire to build a more satisfying and thriving relationship. He is also available to talk with your group about enhancing personal relationships. To learn more about the services he provides, go to  To contact Nic directly via email –